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Random Ramblings of an Englishman AbroadApril 26 Mountains and SnowboardingToday, after a mere 15 months in Norway, I climbed my first mountain. When I say climbed it was more of a walk really. With snowshoes on. Actually when I say walk, if the truth be known, it was more of a stagger as I puked my breakfast up. And I cheated. I got the ski lift up the first 350m. But in all fairness it was still over 500 vertical in less than 2km horizontal. And I'm feeling pleased with myself, whilst my legs hate me. Then I snowboarded all the way down and life was good again. The mountain is called Auskjeret, is 1340m high and is the 19th highest peak in the Stordal Kommune in the Møre og Romsdal County. http://www.westcoastpeaks.com/Peaks/sauskjeret.html When we set off the weather was fantastic, blue sky with not a cloud in sight. However by the time I stumbled the last few yards it had started to snow so my photo's are rubbish :-( Hopefully I'm get some better ones from Arngeir in the next day or so.
September 24 (Dis)Advantages of Living in NorwayThe disadvantage of living in Noway is that it is cold and wet.
The advantage of living is that it is cold and wet.
Cold and wet together means snow. Yippeee!!!! Snow is just starting to appear on the distant hill which means it's soon time to wax down the board.
To get you all in the mood, here is the video I put together last season.
Marketing Hong Kong StyleRecently I posted an article about how screwed up the comercial thinking could be in Holland. It reminded me about a story I heard when I was in Hong Kong.......
On the southern edge of Hong Kong island there lies a beautiful long bay with smooth, golden sands. The kind of bay that any discerning late 19th-century pirate would like to call home. A place to relax and unwind, and to divide the booty when the raiding, raping and pillaging are done for the day.
And it came to pass that such undesirables took up residence much to the displeasure of Britain's merchant navy and colonial aspirations. It becomes a little tiresome when spend all your time stripping a country of all its natural assets only to have the afore mentioned assets pilfered by a swashbuckling nar-do-well.
It was particularly galling when the parrot wielding buggers nicked the opium that you were trying to smuggle illegally in to mainland China (read about our illustrious opium smuggling here).
Eventually tiring of their illegal activity, the British Navy moved in to evict peg-legs, and in 1841, they were finally replused, and the area was ever after known as Repluse Bay.
Today it is full of a different kind of pirate - Financial Raider of Stockmarket, scurge of undervalued companies everywhere. They too like to relax, unwind and count their booty overlooking long sandy beaches. Consequently housing in this area of Hong Kong can cost upto $2,500 per square foot!!!
Overtime developers moved in to make huge sprawling apartment complexes. One such developer hired a european architect, whom I can only presume studied to much in the Amsterdam coffee shop. His design incorporated a ruddy great big hole in the middle of the building. Never mind, times were good and the $1m appartment that could of been there wont be missed.
Some time passed and building of the immense project commenced. Just as the block was approaching completion - KABOOM - in 1997 housing prices collasped and more than halved over the next few years.
The developer was distraught - not only was he struggling to flog his flats at cost, he had this huge gapping hole that whould have netted him half a million bucks if his damn architect wasn't so stoned.
However, being your typical chinese business man, he hit upon a cunning plan, a very cunning plan indeed.
The chinese like there mythical creatures and their feng shui. In can be seen in everyday life in the orient - look outside any HK bank and you will see lions - they are there to protect the money inside, any bank without them doesn't stay in business very long.
The hero of our story heard tales that high in the hills above Repulse Bay there be dragons. Quickly improvising in a magazine article about his new building, he made up a cock-and-bull story that the hole was there to let the dragon through as it whoshed down the hill to the sea. If there wasn't a hole then the fiery beast would torch the place on it's way through!!!
Boy did this guy know the right buttons to press - in chinese mythology a dragon symbolises equilibrum and balance in the living space, as well as achievement and prosperity. KER-CHING. Overnight demand for his unsold apartments skyrocketed and prices with them, leaving our entrepped developer's bank needing a few more lions.
I wonder if fire risk premiums also went up?
September 23 Guilin Part Two<Note: I started writing this on my birthday 2006, having finally sobered up I have decided to post, apologies for the long delay - I have incorporated a number of links which I urge you to follow - Guilin and it's surrounds are topographically spectacular>
<More Notes: Part one can be read here>
We arrived in a small village/tourist spot in Guilin after driving throught the night. We decided that we would start the day with a hearty cooked breakfast. In England a hearty cooked breakfast consists of sausage, bacon, egg, black pudding (kind of blood sausage), fried bread, grilled tomatoes, baked beans, and I have even seen chips (a chunky type of french fries). A coronary on a platter - mmmmm delicious. We have this every day in England without fail, which probably explains our plummeting life expectancy.
We pulled up outside a restuarant which overlooked the famous Moon Hill, stretched our cramped legs and called for the breakfast menu. The waitress gave us a strange look and explained that there was not such thing - however if we were so inclinced we could order from the dinner menu.
After breakfast/dinner we decided that the first activity should be to locate a hotel. Naturally the driver knew of a rather good one in Yangshuo, a few km's away. Yangshuo sits on the Li River and appears to be the hub of tourist activity in the area so we agreed to start our accomadation hunt there.
After about 30 minutes of driving around Yangshuo it was becoming increasingly apparent that the driver hadn't actually been here before, let alone know of a top-notch hotels suitable for a gentleman of leisure and his entourage.
During this time we had been shadowed by a young couple on a moped desperately trying to attract our attention with frantic waving and tooting. Naturally we strictly followed the time-tested strategy when faced with unwelcomed attention by aloofly looking in the opposite direction.
We had heard of a famous road called West Street, or 西街 in local lingo. This pedestrianised road is the focal point for the hordes of visitors that come to enjoy the peace, quiet and tranquility of the area. Somehow they feel the best way to appreciate this is by going to heaving bars that pump out the latest throbbing rock songs. Of course this kind of thing doesn't appeal to me - who would want to spend a precious evening surrounded by hot and sweaty, scantitly clad twentysomethings on a wild bender - every night is spring break in West Street.
But our options appeared limited, so it was with a heavy heart that it became the focal point in our quest for a place to rest. We told the driver to pull over and hopped out of the car. At preciely the same time the young lady that had been shadowing us hopped of the scooter - they were like the damn mosquitos, we couldn't get rid of them.
Vincent, my long suffering co-worker, friend, translator and hanger-on make the fatal mistake of acknowledging her, we were doomed.
Actually we were saved!!
It transpired that she was an official guide from the town tourist board. Within minutes we were being shown around a variety of hotels - not only were they reasonable quality, she also appeared to be getting pretty decent prices.
Once we selected the evenings accomadation she then preceeded to convince us that we should hire her, for a mere 20RMB ($3USD) per day, to recommend attractions and show us around. Here we go I thought - the cynic in me suddenly realized what was going on - she would take us only to the places where she was getting the biggest kickback. Or worse still lead us to some remote place where she and her boyfriend would gang-rape us and steal our money. We were doomed.
Given the previous ineptitude of our driver I decided to hire her. The fact that she she was amazingly cute had no bearing on my decision making process. I also figured the boyfriend would go for Vincent first when it came to the gang-rape, leaving little, defenseless me at her mercy and perverted whim.
Regardless of how worldly-wise I think that I am, I read her completely wrong. She was completely on the level - impartial advice, knowledgable, a great guide - and most importantly drop dead gorgeous. She survives on the tips she receives by providing an excellent service - I have her card so if anyone is heading that way drop me a line and I'll let you know her phone number. We dicovered that Yangshuo offers many things to the well heeled tourist, river trips on Bamboo boats with hunting Cormorants, plenty of hotels and hostels (of varying quality), restaurants galore, enough beer to sink a battleship, throbbing clubs and, most importantly, scenary that blows your fucking socks off.
And then there is the ubiqitous tat shops. These exist the world over selling asorted trinkets and hand-made crap that any self-respecting 6 year-old would be too embarassed to take home from school. Naturally I purchased tons of the stuff to palm off to family and friend back in Blighty. Somewhere at 30,000 feet over the Urals, as I head home, the origins of the junk will transform from haggling with a fake Armani-clad Del Boy, to become a genuine ethinic fertility symbol, hand-crafted by mountain folk, during the long winter nights in their goat-skin hovels, where, for generations, they have survived solely on fresh air and despair.
I'll even manage to find a photo on the Interweb that will support my story.
In Part 3 - I'll tell you all about our hot air balloon ride - a ripping yarn not to be missed - due for publication sometime in 2008.
Hotel Reservation NL StyleSome people really shouldn't be in business.
A US collegue found himself in Holland for an extended period. After a couple of months he decided to bring over his wife and young child and set about trying to find accommadation.
If you travel a lot eventually you get tired of eating in resturants every night. Shocking I know, but it is true!
To most folk the idea of eating a gourmet meal every evening, at the company's expense, sounds heavenly. But sometimes, especially after a long day at the office, you just want to slob in front of the TV with a sausage sandwich or beans on toast - not spend 2 hours waiting for the chef to russle up a culinary masterpiece, whilst being waited upon hand and foot by a nubile nymphet (I might have made the last bit up - normally they are only like that in my dreams) . Now factor in doing this ever night for 2 months, with a 2 year old, and you can see why my friend wanted accomadation with it's own cooking facilities.
We heard a rumour that a small neighboring hotel had an apartment that sounded perfect - 2 bedrooms, a living space and a small kitchenette. So off we trooped to negoitate with the owner.
Given that the company picks up all the bills the price is almost a non-issue. So on the face of it my friend appears to be a perfect customer for any hotel. Sixty nights straight at the asking price.
After a quick tour of the apartment and double checking the rate the time came to make the booking.
"So how long do you want to stay?"
"Initailly 2 months - 60 days"
"Starting when?"
"A week saturday"
"Ah"
"Is there a problem?"
"Well we have a booking on day x - the apartment is not free. I can put you in another room for that night no problem"
"You want me to move my family and all my stuff for one night? Surely you can put the other guest in the alternative room"
"I'm sorry sir, this guest comes every year and insists on that particular room"
"You seriously cannot expect me to move for one night"
"I'm sorry sir there is no alternative"
"Well yeah there is - I can go else where"
"#$@£#@!!!!"
"You are telling me that you will let 12,000 Euro ($15,500) walk out the door because one guest want one particular room for one night"
"I'm sorry sir there is nothing I can do"
"Sure there is.... Say goodbye to 12,000 Euro"
Now maybe I am missing something. Maybe the other guest is an eastern european mafia boss that will kneecap the owner if the room is not immediately available - however they normally stay at the Hilton when in town.
Come on - to turn away 12,000 because of another 150 Euro booking. Are you stark, raving bonkers?
OK, so maybe the other guy will be pissed - heck put him in the another room and let him stay his night FOR FREE!!!! That should brighten his mood a little (and save your kneecaps).
As it transpired 2 months turned into 4.
We really struggled to get our head around this. We were under the impression that as a modern western economy, NL would have fully grasped the capitalist concept - after all the dutch company De Beers has done spectacular well creating the optimum of capitalist ideal's - the cartal (if you're really interesting in the facinating history of the diamond trade you can read about it here).
Then we discovered another of Holland greatest inventions - the coffee shop (we rank it 2nd after De Wallen, slightly ahead of cheese and tall people). After a couple of hours 'drinking coffee' we fully understood the hotel owner's mindset.
Peace man. October 20 The World's Greatest DadToday I read a story, a true story. It is a incredibly inspirational story. The kind of story that restores my faith in mankind. It is a story about a man and his son. If 50% of fathers were 50% of this father then the world would be a 100% better place.
You can read the rest of the story here. I urge you to do so, then watch the video. I defy you not to be moved to tears.
October 06 Why is Scandinavia so relaxed and Hong Kong so frantic?Scandinavia has a reputation of being a pretty easy going, chilled out kind of place.
Whereas on the other hand I found Hong Kong to be absolutely manic and frantic.
Being an inquisitive sort of chap I applied the ageing grey cells to discovering why the pace of life appears to be so different.
People are the same the world over, they broadly have the same needs, desires and urges. So what makes the Nordic people live in the slow lane and the HongKonese set off every speed camera on the road of life.
It wasn't an easy puzzle to solve, there were many dead-end and wrong turns - but eventually all of the obstacles were overcome and behold! A great sociological discovery.....
As you know the earth is spherical. It also spins completing one revolution every 24 hours. Now if you stand at the equator the circumference is 24901.55 miles (give or take an inch or two). Think about that for a moment - that means, even in bed, at the equator you are travelling 1038 mph!!
At the North Pole however, it doesn't move at all. It just sits there all day, every day, and can't be bothered to move at all.
Could this be the reason why? Calculator time........
Hong Kong lies at 22 degrees north. The circumference of the world at this latitude is 23088 miles. This means that it is doing a hefty 961 mph.
Where as Alesund, in Norway, is at 62 degrees north. Here the circumference is a mere 11690 miles and I am currently doing a more modest 487 mph.
961 mph - 487 mph. Hang on, HK is going almost twice as fast as NO. This is the same difference as the pace of life!!!!
Therefore Hong Kong is twice as frantic as Norway because it is going twice as fast.
------------------------------------------------------
How to calculate your speed:
1) Figure out your latitude
2) Multiple the circumference of the earth (24901 miles) by cosine (latitude)
3) Voila your speed in mph
For more details see Dr Math Alesund, NorwayI've always wanted to go to Norway - well now I have made it!
And it looks like this (picture should be updated every few minutes if I have done this right)
September 25 Airport Insecurity: Tequila - The Ultimate Terrorist WeaponFinally some of the hand luggage restrictions on UK flights have been lifted. After a month of making corrupt baggage handlers rich, I am, at last, able to carry my laptop with me onto the airplane again.
However I am shocked and horrified to see that you are still allowed to buy Tequila at the duty-free and take it onboard an aircraft. (Note: except to the US where hair gel, water and other such dangerous liquids are still banned).
In the wrong hands Tequila is perhaps the most versatile lethal weapon around - far more so than the purple sombrero that the fascists confiscated from me last week.
In order to demonstrate the efficacy of Tequila, I have formulated a handy 5-point plan for the budding Osama.
Step 1 - Passenger and Crew Distraction
First find a couple of Playboy Playmates; these can usually be located in the 1st Class restrooms trying to join the Mile-High club. Ply them with Tequila, sit back and wait. The ensuing cat fight will distract most of the male passengers and crew, thereby neutralising the biggest threat to the successful completion of the rest of the plan, passenger uprising.
Step 2 - Make the Pilot a Cup of Coffee
It is a well known fact that pilots live on coffee. And stewardesses. Therefore it is relatively simple to fill the pilots coffee mug with Tequila. He will be so distracted chatting up the new stewardess to notice the switch.
This has two potential beneficial outcomes:
a) He will crash the plane
or
b) Keel over from alcohol poisoning - this works best on the younger pilot before university life has had an opportunity to harden the liver. Step 3 - Cockpit Cricket
Should either outcome in step 2 fail to materialise - Don't Panic! Simple using the empty bottle of Tequila as the cricket bat and the Pilot's head as the ball and try and to recreate a spectacular Brian Lara six.
Step 4 - Get Another Job
If you should now find yourself in the unfortunate position of one seriously miffed pilot and a broken bottle then consider giving up the terror game and getting a proper job. Whilst you ponder you career move poke the pilot in the throat.
Step 5 - Burn Baby Burn
Some budding terrorist go straight for this step. However I think that this displays a certain lack of finesse and pride in their work. I feel that it should only be used as a last resort.
Sprinkle the Tequila liberally around the cabin, light the blue touch paper and retire- instant flambé Airbus.
As you can see Tequila, in the wrong hands, is a most dangerous and vile substance. I therefore demand that all Tequila is immediately confiscated and sent round to my house. I will personally see that it is immediately destroyed by oxidising into acetic acid.
September 18 Muscle For Me PleaseEating is China is a shared experience; several dishes are normally ordered which are placed in the centre of the table for all to consume from.
One thing to be aware of is that if you order say a chicken dish then that is what you get - a chicken. The bird is plucked, gutted and cooked - at some point the poor creature is actually killed - when exactly is unclear. It is then attacked with a cleaver and finely diced - bones, skin, head included - ready to be served.
I know that in the west we have been sanitized from the more 'gruesome' elements of life and death - and often the meat served bears no resemblence to the the creature it started out as.
This is a good thing.
I find it quite disconcerting to have 1/2 of a chickens head looking up at me as I try to avoid selecting the 3 pronged object that looks remarkable like a chunk of foot.
When asked if I was vegetarian, I replied that I loved meat. Little did I know that their definition of meat meant "not from a plant". Anything goes: if it swims, crawls, flys or walks then it is 100% edible. And I mean 100%, no waste except for the odd bone fragment.
So tip of the day is specify "muscle meat" when ordering food in China.
Update
Actually I might have to change my advice given the following article:
Mmmmm tasty........
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Thanks for visiting!
Karenwrote:
Hello there, just passing through and thought I'd say "Hi" hope all is well with you and you are appropriately stressed at the sudden onslaught of christmas. Can you tell I'm stressed? Bye for now, Karen
Dec. 13
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